E-Parliament

What influence does Canada have here, other than the ability to kick and scream? I always wonder why in Canada we assume that we must inform everyone of our opinions. I'm sure that if they care, they will ask us. I don't expect that that has ever happened in the history of Middle Eastern affairs (Hold on a sec, everyone, let's call Canada and see what they think about this one). Now, if we were willing to back Hamas, then I think they might start listening to what we have to say... They might also start bombing our airports.

Since what I just said is totally unpolitically correct, I deny all relation to the above comments and, in fact, the devil made me say it.
 

Listen up, boys and girls.

Two things:

1. It's called "the bigger picture." If Canada wants to get out from under the yolk of 'middle power' status, we need to start speaking up on the international stage and following through with action. It's all about brand management, and Canada is about 20 years behind on this front. No wonder people aren't phoning us up and asking for our opinion if we're not implicated in significant Mid-East relations! In fact, though it pains me to say, the Harper government is in fact the first in decades to actually start this branding process by making public statements about Canada's position on the Middle East. Sadly, it's all crap.

2. Did it stop us intervening in Bosnia because nobody asked for our opinion? Did it stop us in Rwanda? Clearly not. There has to be some forward momentum on these fronts, or Canada's position internationally will become stagnant. Self fulfilling prophecy, my friend. If we think nobody else cares what we have to say, chances are they won't.

Now the real question is the following: why the Middle East? The answer is two-fold: first, it's the global hot spot; second, Canada has a large Arab population that keeps growing. They care about what's going on 'back home'. Actually, we could add a third point: both groups involved (Arabs and Jews) don't hate Canada (yet), like (some of them) do the USA. It's our chance to make a difference and improve our profile internationally!

Double threat. ;)
 

Once you started talking about following through with action, I started listening. However, my definition of action does not include press releases and scolding the Israeli ambassador. That's window-dressing.

Former Canadian government's used to make pronouncements on the Middle East too... The only problem was nobody understood what they meant.

You think that we intervened in Rwanda? I'm sorry, but we sent over a few guys to watch the massacre, report home, and bring home Post-traumatic stress. That was the Canadian contribution and influence in Rwanda. Sure, we did help clean up the mess. That was nice of us.

By the way, how is the summer treating you in Québec City? I'll be back soon and you can stop missing me so much.
 

The following is an Israeli form letter for international correspondance. It is periodically revised for accuracy and pertinence.

Dear (insert name of moralizing country here),

Thank you for your kind letter denouncing (insert latest military operation) and your sincere interest in seeing us peacefully resolve our differences with those para-military political movements that exist solely to wipe us off the map. Your level of comprehension of our situation is truly astounding and very interesting, on an academic level.

We appreciate the heartfelt and very well-crafted words that you have expressed from the safety and comfort of your well-defended and stable homeland. We are particularly interested in knowing what (insert name of former British colony here) did the last time that its lands were raided by foreign para-military organizations, your soldiers attacked and kidnapped, and your civilian populations were terrorized by indiscriminate attacks. In fact, we would be interested in getting a copy of the peace agreement that you proposed to resolve such a crisis in your nation's history. Unforunately, we have not yet seen a copy of such a wonderful document. We would also be interested in knowing what you suggest we tell the parents of those kidnapped soldiers? However, we have done exactly what the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Canada, Spain and others did following September 11, 2001.

What we find particularly touching is your intense desire to evacuate your citizens from the region. However, we do wonder why the protection of your citizens is paramount, while the protection of our citizens is optional.

Your comments are particularly useful at any time, no matter how far removed from the situation or how impotent you are to affect the situation. In this time of crisis, what matters to us most is knowing what far-away countries with no major security concerns think about our decisions to protect our population and preserve our state. In fact, we would like to inform you that every UN General Assembly motion censuring our actions gets added to our scrapbook. In honour of your most sincere attempt to call the shots from your arm-chair comfort, we will be minting this scrapbook and sending you a copy. You will find such interesting articles and pictures that I'm sure that you will want to move near to an Israeli border town just to enjoy the atmosphere and scenery. A further scrapbook for war crimes indictments will be forthcoming.

Please accept our most sincere invitation to come and experience our most interesting situation first-hand. Your vast experience, demonstrated by your very astute comments, could be put to good use. We need all the sandbag fillers that we can get.

Yours truly,

Israel
 

Dear Occupying Force,

Thank you for being the [insert appropriate military offensive number] country and/or group of countries to breech our sovereign borders and kill our citizens. We sincerely apologize for not being able to amount a stronger defence; unfortunately, we have no army to speak of as Syria has ?generously? constituted much of our military force up until recently. As such, we find ourselves in a situation where we do not have the means to defend our territory from you attacks, or from the control of radical extremists.

If your attack was directed toward Islamic militants and you simply confused us with them because we look the same and have similar sounding names, please disregard the rest of this letter.

Please be advised that your offensive actions have been immediately reported to the International Community, and in particular the United Nations. We anticipate a response within the next [pick a number between 1 and 100, and multiply by 10] years, at which point all of the legitimate arguments on the academic debate concerning [name of offending country]?s prerogative to destroy our infrastructure and implant its military personnel on our territory have been duly considered.

If you would like to file a complaint because of terrorist activities undertaken by extremist groups headquartered outside of our borders, please complete and return form ?What the F do you Expect Us To Do About It?? Given the current military climate, and the fact that extremist groups operating on our soil are better armed than our own military, we are unable to provide you with assistance at this time. This situation is currently under review and should appropriate funding and training for our military arrive before you kill all of our citizens who have reached the age of majority, we would be happy to disarm the insurgents in question. (For a faster response, please address your comments and concerns to The White House, Washington, D.C., USA) We apologize if your letter is not delivered in a timely manner as our infrastructure is currently being bombed and service to certain regions of Lebanon has thus been discontinued at this time.

In the event that you do become our next occupying force, please advise us of any special dietary restrictions your soldiers might have. References are available on request from previous colonizing and occupying forces: France, Israel, Syria, Israel (2) ?

We Sincerely Surrender Wholeheartedly and Unconditionally, Oh Powerful Invader, and Hope that You Have Enjoyed Killing our Citizens.

Inshallah,

Lebanon

P.S. To the Israeli Government: Please accept our sincerest apologizes for the three military officers who were taken hostage by the extremists. We understand how it feels to have your family members taken from you. We hope that killing hundreds of our men, women and children, as well as vacationing foreigners, has compensated you sufficiently for your losses. We sympathize that these same colonizing forces and former colonies would not provide you with a new home after the atrocities of the Holocaust, thus requiring you quite rightly to annex large portions of our and other Middle-East nations? former territories. Therefore, please feel free to stay as long as you wish and send as many soldiers across our borders as you feel are appropriate.

P.P.S. It would be nice if you would kindly stop bombing large areas of our capital in search of terrorists. Firstly, as you might have noticed, the distance from Beirut to the Israeli cities of Haifa and others are too far for these rockets to travel. Additionally, the areas you have begun to bomb are in fact highly populated with Christians and UN Peacekeeping Forces. We hope you appreciate the irony of this situation and request you to perhaps redirect your fire toward some of the other Arab countries that have in fact made recent statements about the destruction of Israel.
 

Dear Israel and Lebanon,

I'm really glad that we could have this constructive dialogue. You see, I'm the Honest Broker that you've all been waiting for to come in and solve all of your problems. See, the thing is, people say that I'm really good at peacekeeping. People say that when wars break out, I'm the guy to call and come in and do stuff.

I'll explain to you how it works. We come in with our outdated equipment and sit on your border. If you want to ignore us, you do. If you want us to leave, you just tell us to leave, like Nasser told us to leave Egypt in 1967. If you start fighting, we'll watch and try to tell you to stop. All of your initial grievances will largely go under-resolved, but we'll be able to make kick-ass photo albums, and we can have multi-national sports competitions amongst the soldiers of the peacekeeping mission.

By the way, I know I that nobody asked me, but since you did, I think that you should try harder to get along.

If you need any other help, other than reducing your enormous debtload (Lebanon having the second-highest debt-to-GDP ratio in the world), just give me a call.

However, I seem to have lost some of my super-moral powers since January 23, 2006. Just warning you ahead of time.

Yours truly,

Canada